My experience during a pannick attack

Today has been a bad day! It’s been raining all day. I don’t mean the sweet, wet rain that trickles down and leaves the air fresh and beautiful. I mean a rain of emotions flowing rampantly through me taking my psyche in any which direction it wishes. I feel surges of pain, guilt, terror moving through me, ultimately landing in my chest, making my heart feel like it might stop beating.

It feels as though I have no control over this other than the choice to be conscious and watch as I disintegrate or the choice to numb out and hope that, like most other things, this too shall pass.

Intellectually I understand that this is nothing more than a simple case of cause and effect. That I am feeling the effect of spending the last couple years living in a way that required great deals of repression. And that soon enough my emotional state will catch up to the new way I’m living and I will begin to pull out of this phase. But, in the meantime, I am having a bad day!

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My first (and hopefully last) experience with having panic attacks

Are you fucking kidding me???

I’ve spent the last 8 years of my life training and developing the capacity to be stable and unaffected by my surroundings. A skill I had become very good at. Little did I know that I’m not excluded from the laws of cause and effect like I would have liked to think.

As soon as I let go of my responsibilities and no longer had to be a rock I cracked like an egg under the foot of god.

I’ve been praised for years for my capacity to sit through very challenging emotional situations, business stresses, etc and come out seemingly unaffected. The truth is that I was always effected but I had just built an above average capacity to stuff that shit way down in there and not let it out.

After 8 years of stability I’ve now spent the last week having almost constant panic attacks. I always thought this was something that could only happen to people that were ungrounded and emotionally weak. That may still be true but that means that I’m not as strong as I thought.

I’ve been going in and out of blacking out, shaking, turning red – then yellow, and feeling scared and anxious about almost everything.

I started off trying to find the physical trigger of this all so I didn’t have to admit that I had cracked but it would seem that I’ve ruled out all physical causes and the only thing that I’m left with is… I’m a bit damaged and in need of repair. So, this journal entry is supposed to be the first of many tune-ups to get my emotional/mental well-being in proper alignment.

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