ADVENTURES WITH RUMI (5-MeO-DMT)

I was scared going in this time. Not for any particular reason. I wasn’t thinking of any reason that I should be afraid… but I was. My body was hot and pulsing with little shockwaves of adrenaline rushing through me.

I wasn’t going to let that stop me from going forward but I was hoping that some outside force would stop me so I wouldn’t have to go through with it but also wouldn’t have to back out (When writing that it sounds more fucked up than I thought it was in the moment).

I laid down and tried, unsuccessfully, to get centered while the bag was filling. Since breathing and centering didn’t seem to help I spoke up and shared my concern with the facilitator in my last stitch attempt to get out of it. I actually thought for a minute that by saying I was afraid he would say that I should just wait and do it again another time when the fear wasn’t there. Looking back on it I’m not sure how I convinced myself that that was going to happen.

He told me something that I can’t remember that I think was intended to comfort me… it didn’t work!

I inhaled…

Now I was laying there in fear while everything I’ve ever known of life or myself was being stripped away so quickly that I couldn’t grasp onto any of it. The fear quickly turned into terror while I tried somewhat hopelessly and desperately to hold on to something – anything.

This out-of-control stripping of my ego continued while I sort of swirled into, through and around the terror. At this point I had the awareness that I was in a room having an experience and that any moment I was going to be asked to take more. I wanted to fight that because I wanted out of the fear as soon as possible but I remembered to tell myself “yes”. And I allowed for more to come into my system.

Here, the stripping sped up and intensified until, after a couple seconds, everything was stripped away and I just was…

There was no more fear. There was no more terror. There was no more anything… except the beauty and ecstasy of “being”. All concepts of my reality and personality ceased to exist and I was in the experience of the one. The experience of pure love.

Then, all of a sudden, I was terrified again. Then I was in ecstasy. Then terrified, then ecstasy. This went back and forth half-a-dozen times or so until I got it… the terror is ecstasy! There is no difference. When we stop placing judgments and meaning on experiences they are all just expressions of the One which, ultimately, is pure love.

Once this clicked inside of me everything that I felt, heard and experienced drove me deeper into ecstasy. I felt the sensations of my body; every breath, every movement pulsate through me as ripple running through the pool of consciousness. Each sensation allowed me to experience a part of myself more deeply and more beautifully than I ever had before.

I laid there quivering, shivering, moaning, crying and laughing while I fell more deeply in love with myself and all life than I even knew possible. The shivers of joy and ecstasy continued to ripple through me as my conscious mind began to re-emerge. My mind slowly rocked in and out of my awareness. Each time it emerged I was able to consciously see how beautiful life is. Each time my mind set on the horizon I was more deeply filled with ripples of agonizingly beautiful elation. Rocking back and forth between conscious mind and pure awareness I continued to fall more deeply in love the sensations of being human and became increasingly grateful for the opportunity.

While I was still in this place of oscillating back and forth I was hugged. It wasn’t just my body that was being hugged. It felt as if every aspect of my being was being embraced, seen and appreciated. I opened my eyes and looked around the room to see the most exquisitely beautiful faces smiling back at me as if they too, got it.

To say that this experience rocked my world would be an understatement and wouldn’t do justice to the experience. I think the best way that I can sum up the entire experience is… Whoa!

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ADVENTURES WITH RUMI (5-MeO-DMT)

I just had the best, most mind blowing, earth shattering, body trembling “cosmic orgasm” ever…

… it all started when I sucked on the nipple (Of the vape bag of course)

Within seconds my body and mind were being taken over and I was transported into nothingness; endless, limitless, potential laden nothingness. Everything that I have identified as me… my personality, thoughts, beliefs, quickly disappeared as I (Big I) swirled into this state of nothing and everything simultaneously.

I had the experience of being completely merged with everything… where there was no separation between me or the floor I was laying on or the people around me. Every sound that I heard was manifesting from a part of myself. Both the air that I breathed and the lungs that expanded to capture the air were one and the same. I had the experience of being completely, totally connected… and it was GOOD!

I was there in that state of rich nothingness for some time without a single thought or identifiable feeling. After a couple minutes had past I started to experience these waves of sensation. Sensations unlike anything I have felt in the past. Waves of peace and ecstasy began pulsing through me causing my body to writhe on the floor. Without any conscious intent or desire I began to moan. The pleasure I was experiencing from being one with everything was so beautiful, so intense that my body had to move and moan.

I laughed, I smiled, I rolled around, felling the joy and the pleasure in every movement, every sound. Nothing I did felt like enough. The joy was so enormous that it exceeded my body’s capacity to express is.

Every breath I took was as if I was breathing in pure pleasure. My body trembled, and quivered while the experiences of pure bliss sunk deeper into me.

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A flashback from my first Ayahuasca journey

She came to visit me again last night… my hallucinogenic mistress.

I had forgotten that I had asked her to come over but she has a better memory than I do apparently. I had wanted to go on a trip, a journey as I entered the new year/decade. I had wanted to have visions to help inspire a more conscious, awake and loving experience of this new decade. Especially considering that it may be the last decade of it’s kind considering the quick approach of 2012… more on that another time.

A while after falling asleep I laid in my bed and began to have visions. I was able to see what was around me, though my eyes were closed. I saw the roof, the wall and the sounds. As soon as I had the realization that I was seeing, the vision began to blur. The sights melted into the landscape of my consciousness which I fail to find any words adequate to describe. Though I do know that it was both beautiful and scary at the same time.

The visions began to melt quickly into one another and the only thing that remained constant was my awareness that Ayahuasca had returned. I thought to myself, “Did I take something. I don’t remember taking anything.” I felt the need to figure out what was happening so, with great force, I peeled my eyes open. And there I stared at a the roof as it swirled and danced in front of my now, open eyes. I told it to stop moving so I could grasp onto what was happening. She listened. The swirls of vision and sound wisped away and the roof went back to normal. At the same time I realized what was happening and wished I hadn’t forced myself out of the experience.

I found myself almost completely covered with cats. Tried to move them so that my body could move as I went back into my trip. I tried with all my effort to move them and nothing seemed to work. I figured that must be part of my trip so I gave up and went back to bed. As my eyes closed, the richness of feelings and visions began to start swirling back into and out of my consciousness. Most of which happened so quickly that I couldn’t grasp onto them to identify what they were. But I knew that wasn’t all that important. This was one of the most lucid dreaming experiences I’ve ever had. I was fully awake and aware then entire time that I was asleep. If one of the cats moved I could tell and their movement became incorporated into my visions. At times I felt physically restricted by the cats laying on me and my visions would morph accordingly; with the colors becoming darker reds, browns and blacks and the landscape becoming smaller. Other times I would find a position that was more comfortable and the landscape would become more expansive and blue skies would melt into my vision.

I slipped into the dream world a few times where I became only an observer and was no longer orchestrating the experience. Then, I would become aware that I wasn’t aware and I would become pseudo in control again. I was never fully in control. It was like a 50/50 business partnership between me and Ayahuasca. I could make suggestions as to what I wanted to happen but if we didn’t both agree it was going no where. A few times we got tied up in arbitration… trying to figure out what to do with my consciousness. She wanted to swirl – I wanted to explore. We usually couldn’t decide so I had to become like Lewis and Clark, exploring the unknown. Traveling across great plains of melting landscape where the sky, at times, would just cease to exist and then would re-appear under me.

It was a beautiful journey through space, time and other dimensions that I lack the hallucinogenic maturity to identify.

I think I like this state, but then I again I’m not entirely sure who I am when I go there so maybe that’s just the feeling that she chooses to give me. Either way, I look forward to the next episode of… “Lewis and Clark. The great journey that leads to nowhere – everywhere”

Until next time this is your narrator signing off.

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My first experience with Ayahuasca

How far does it go… the rabbit hole that is?

Apparently that’s not even the right question. The right question is why in the hell would anyone want to find out if it means going through the emotional ass fucking that I just went through.

After 8 years of running Body Mind and devoting much of my energy to sustaining and growing the company I am finally letting it go. 2 more day and I will no longer be the director. 2 more days and it will be a new year… a new decade.

I thought that journeying with Ayahuasca would be a great way to open myself, to learn and experience something to help with this transition in life.

All I’m sure that I’ve learned so far is that 2 ounces of this concoction is significantly stronger than I am. After the experience I feel more emotionally drained and beating up than I have in a very long time. My body feels like it’s only partly mine; if it were fully mine I would be able to make the nausea, the trembling and the short bursts of pure terror stop running through my body.

However, I apparently don’t have full control over my body yet. She is still holding on. I look forward to that ending…

I went into this journey with no fear of what might happen, with complete acceptance for the process, knowing full well that I had no idea what was going to occur and being okay with that.

I wanted to experience everything she had to offer to the fullest extent I could so I took the heavy does (In hind sight that wasn’t such a good idea). As the journey began so did the fear. My stomach started gurgling, I became both light and heavy at the same time and then the world began to blur. First, the flames in the fireplace became fuzzy, then they began to merge with each other. Then the fireplace and the flames began to merge, as did the rest of the room with itself. It was right around this time that one of the members of the group began to purge (Vomit).

I realized I was probably next.

My eyes became incredibly heavy and my body weak. I went from sitting on the couch to lying on the floor. With my eyes closed the visions, sounds and feelings began to intensify. The shaman was standing near my feet, chanting and playing this instrument that made a sound like you would imagine if you mixed the sound of a UFO landing inside of a wind tunnel with the harmonic rhythm of a heart beating 140 times per minute. My body, my process seemed to get in sync with this sound and as the sound sped up so did my trip. I quickly lost all sense of reality as I began to see sound.

The shaman transformed into an elderly Native American man with long grey hair and feathers all around. He was dancing by the fire that was all around me, inside of me, part of me. So were the coyotes – several of which had goat heads. Then more people appeared and began dancing around the fire. They were covered in the skins of goats and fluidly transformed back and forth between man and animal. I could hear the most vivid sounds I have ever experienced. The sounds of the coyotes breathing in my ear and dancing all around. The sounds of the jungle creatures that I could not see with my eyes but with my ears I could see them clearly.

The sounds, the rhythm, the vision continued to intensify until I found myself back in reality, puking into a bucket as the shaman guided me to sit up and breath.

Shortly there after I found myself in the bathroom trying to let go of whatever I could while asking myself why I took the heavy dose as I slipped in and out of this trip that was being further facilitated by the flickering light of the candle that I’m almost sure actually existed.

After I stood up I looked in the mirror and I can’t remember being able to see myself. I went back to the floor in the main room to continue the journey. I went through another cycle of intense tripedelic experiences for which I can’t remember the details other than to say it was an E-ticket ride.

Shortly after this journey, which felt like several years, the shaman was offering for people to take a booster dose if they wanted to. By this time I was sitting up again and my vision had come back. I thought that the experience was coming to a close if I didn’t take more.

I knew that the trips I had just been on were more intense than I wanted to experience again right away but I thought that a more mild experience might be nice so I asked for a small dose.

Little was I aware at the time that my journey was not complete but instead I was just being given a short recovery break. By the time I realized this it was too late because I had already drunken the booster shot.

Now the heavy does that I had originally taken and the new, smaller dose both got to kick in at the same time. This is when the most intense time warp occurred for me. I stayed lucid for a little while before going back in. As I started to go back in, Dana was coming out of her experience and offered me her spot in front of the fire, which I gladly took because I was feeling so cold and couldn’t seem to get warm.

I thought that 1.5 to 2 hours passed before I went back into the full trip again. I found out later that it was only about 15 minutes.

As I went back in this time the process sped up so much that I couldn’t grasp onto the images, feelings, thoughts, any of it. Everything was coming at me so quickly that I couldn’t do anything other than try to hold on for the ride. Except, I stopped existing for a large portion of the ride so all there was, was the experience. Once again I got pulled back to vomit. This time I got to see Dana’s blurred face and she looked at me with terror while I slipped back and forth between this world and that world.

This was the first time that I began to have fear come up that maybe I had somehow overdone it. I felt a physical and emotional exhaustion equivalent to staying awake for days on end in the midst of an argument with someone you love deeply. I wanted so badly to go to sleep and get the rest my body so calling out for but the Ayahuasca wouldn’t let me go. She kept me spinning, floating, falling, pulsating until I gave up and stopped trying to find my way back.

Shortly after that I started to come to, and once again the room began to become normal. By this time everyone else had come back and it appeared that the main journey was coming to an end. We did our closing prayers, talked a little and then got up to get some food. Once I stood up I started to feel a little light headed and was still having some nausea. I figured that getting a little food in me would help to calm everything. I ate a small slice of bread and had some carrot juice to try and bring my blood sugar up. Around this time the nausea started to get a little stronger and my eyelids began to feel very heavy again. I could tell that she wasn’t done with me and wanted me back.

I told the shaman that if there was a way to stop it I would like to because I felt too exhausted to go in for another round. He gave me some aloe vera gel to calm my stomach and I sat up, focusing on my breath to keep it at bay. As the nausea continued I felt a gurgling in my belly and got up to use the bathroom. As I sat on the toilet my consciousness began to pulsate and I realized that she wasn’t going to let me get out of this experience yet.

I sat back down and my eyelids became heavier and heavier. I began to get weak again and had a hard time mustering up the energy to keep deep breathing. The room started to pulsate and so did my innards. My stomach began to constrict and found myself making friends with my purge bucket again. So I sat there… pulsating and purging and cursing the Ayahuasca for taking me again while everyone else tried to eat.

Then I found my way back to the couch and laid down. I was fortunate enough to be covered in numerous blankets to help combat the incredible cold spells that kept happening. As I laid there I went in and out of tripping, sleeping and waking up to make sure I was still there.

This continued till approximately sunrise before I finally fell asleep… an experience that could not have been more welcomed.

Now, about 13 hours have passed since I woke up from that trip and I am beginning to feel like myself again. However, I still feel more fragile and vulnerable than I can remember feeling in several years.

And for some very strange, inexplicable reason I am beginning to think back upon my trip with great fondness and have a desire to encourage others to explore the dark regions I just came back from. I don’t know exactly why because I felt traumatized by the majority of the process but for some reason I feel as though this would be a good thing for seekers to experience.

There were beautiful parts to the journey but I find myself unable to explain them. There were many times throughout the journey where I found myself in total bliss, laughing and smiling at everything that was occurring. I just don’t know why I was laughing and smiling – but I was.

I’m not sure exactly what I learned yet and I won’t be rushing back to do it again but, as fragile and shaken as a feel right now, I’m glad I did it.

Aho

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